Being bald in public was not something I had been able to do during chemo. In fact I would wear a cover and also a hat at times. I couldn't stand the thought of someone seeing my naked head.
I felt so naked, vulnerable, and weak. As time went on I got a little more comfortable. I wanted to go bald, I wanted to be brave so bad but it was just such a hard thing for me.
One day I decided I was done covering my head. Although my hair was coming in, it was still very thin and I still felt very bald, weak, naked and vulnerable. Still, I got ready and walked out my door uncovered with my naked head, I was so scared and yet I began to feel a little brave. I put a headcover in my purse just in case I couldn't do it. I drove to radiation with nothing on my head. It was scary, I can't really explain why. I sat in the car a minute before walking in, getting up the nerve. Finally, I walked in, bald and all. It was quite freeing.
Later that day, a friend came by. I went outside to talk to her. Colten (my 11 yr old at the time) stopped me "MOM your head isn't covered!". I said "I know…. its okay.”
You see, Colten knew I was terribly self conscious about my bald head showing. I didn’t want them to have friends over, because I would have to hide or cover my head. When I came back into the house Colten told me he was proud of me for not being scared anymore. My eyes welled up, I knew this whole thing had affected my kids, my family, my friends. I just didn't realize how close my kids were paying attention.
Today, I am faced with a new challenge. Putting myself out there and really speaking about my experience. From this new perspective I have today. I want to share and yet, I feel scared, vulnerable and naked. I am choosing today to take off my filter….stay tuned.