It was me.

Becoming a mom was scary for me. There were so many things I was making a pact to do right or better than what I had thought my parents had done. I remember thinking:

I will always be there for my kids.

My kids will be able to be involved in sports /activities.

I will volunteer in their classes so they know I am there.

I will spend time with them.

They will feel safe.

I will never get divorced.

And when that happened: I will not fight with his Dad.

I am sure this list is much longer but you get the idea. I was going to do it right!

The boys have enjoyed whatever activities and sports, their little hearts desired. They know they can count on Bill and I. I imagine they feel safe. I have spent time in all their classes.

And the rest wasn't as easy as I imagined. Although I tried my hardest to be present and support them, I am not sure I really knew how. All of these ideas of how to raise kids were out of fear. Fear that they would have they would end up feeling as broken as I was.

With that came a lot of control. I was trying to control it all, I thought if I just had control it would all be okay. They would be okay.

When Jacob (my oldest) started acting out or acting like a kid, I didn’t show him love. I showed him control. I took HIM to the counselor (several times). I thought he needed the help. Nothing really changed, it seemed to just get worse over time. I turned up the control, he needs more rules, more restrictions. Most of you know, this ended up pushing him away to go live with his dad.This also led to A LOT of fights with him, with his dad and a lot of heartache.

Jacob and I, 2016

I was so hung up on, doing it right, doing it better, making sure they were okay, I couldn’t be the mom they needed. It wasn't until I started working on me, that I realized they didn't need all that control. They needed me to love them unconditionally. They needed me to heal me. It was me. It wasn't until I did (and still continue to do) my own work that my relationship with Jacob could begin to heal. I am committed to working on me I see the direct, almost magical effect it has on all three boys.

Our kids don’t need our control, more things, or more rules. They need our time, our UNCONDITIONAL love and they need us to work on us. If we can show up loving, kind, and supportive they can feel free to show up the way they need to.

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