The robotic call came in yesterday, reminding me of my 6 month appointment with my oncologist. Reminding me what my reality once was and what is now. Reminding me how beautiful, perfect, and precious this life really is.
I knew it was coming, I sometimes pretend it's just an appointment. I would love to tell you that the anxiety of these check ups no longer haunt me, but that isn't the case. They don't paralyze me with worry anymore. They do make me think about life. The what if’s still creep in and my stomach begins to feel a little queasy.
I will never be able to control any results that come from my doctors mouth, or the online portal that I usually log into before my doctor calls. I can only control my reaction to it; how I take care of me and if I choose to feel what's happening with me or skate over it. My tendency used to be to skate over feelings to pretend I was okay. I had this strong feeling of how I had to be strong not only for me but for my husband, kids and parents. I worried that if they knew what I was carrying that we would all break. If I broke that I would never be able to come back from that.
In this last year I let myself break, I let myself feel all that I needed to feel. I connected with my family on a deeper level. This was incredibly heart wrenching and yet powerful and transforming. I know I have all the tools and support I need to handle whatever comes my way. I know my purpose is too big to leave this earth anytime soon.
Today, I am grateful to be here, to serve others and to be healthy (yes, I am claiming that).