I used to get what I called a case of “the guilt's”.😩
I would replay something I said or did over and over in my head and think of how wrong it was or how I could have said this or that, someone is now misunderstanding me, or how bad I messed up. 🤦♀️
I remember feeling this in my stomach and just making myself sick over this. It could have been something minor, it didn't really matter. 🤢
I was relentless. It was like I had to make myself pay for what I said or did. 📢
At some point I had to let myself off the hook. It was exhausting to replay scenes and feel sick over something I had said. I was in my 30's when I finally had a conversation with myself that if I hurt someone's feelings or upset them I would hope that they would share that with me, and I had to begin to trust that people knew my heart and who I was. That I would never purposely say or do anything to hurt anyone, especially those close to me.💗
What a RELIEF! I could finally give myself a break. The next time this pattern came up I reminded myself of the above and before I knew I could quickly move on.
Later on, I realized that I was going to hurt people and they weren't always going to be able to see me like I wanted to be seen. They were going to see me from their eyes and their own set of hurt.
This would not be as easy as playing the story for myself about who I am. This would hurt much deeper. This would take me on a spin to see my imperfections and know I make mistakes and know they have an impact on others and know I could never take that back. The tape began to play again and again, my relentlessness of replaying my mistakes was back and the guilt I felt was too.
I so badly wanted people to see me as good, so so badly. I could barely stand the thought that I would make a mistake and hurt someone in the process. My pain came in wanting to fix it, wanting others to see me in a certain way, wanting others to love me and accept me. I could not change that, I could not change others. DAMN IT! Why is this so hard! Spin, spin, spin some more.
At last I had to turn in. You see, I had taken ownership of what had happened. Yet, I was still carrying the weight of the guilt. I had to forgive myself, I had to remember who I was at my core and know that I am still human and that I can make mistakes. I may not be able to control how other people see me but I can definitely control how I see myself.
It's okay to make mistakes, and it's okay to forgive ourselves. It's time to stop replaying the story of our unworthiness and start loving ourselves for who we are.